Boundaries as Protection

Dear Aunty Empathy,
Several years ago, a friend of mine tried to scam me for some money. I think he thought I was going to be an easy target because I’m usually kind and sympathetic. When I refused, he threw a fit and disappeared, and I never heard from him again until last week. Now he acts like nothing happened, and wants to be chummy. I can’t trust him again, but I feel guilty that maybe I’m overreacting if I refuse to reconnect at all. What should I do?
~ Burned But Brooding

Dear Burned,
It sounds like maybe both of you lost trust in the other. He “threw a fit” because he was trusting that you would give him money, and you want to refuse to reconnect because you were trusting that he wouldn’t “target” you. Feelings were probably hurt on both sides, and there may also be anger, confusion, and disappointment in the mix. The guilt you’re feeling may be because you see your refusal to reconnect as delivering a painful punishment, and you’re not wanting to hurt him.

Trust is an interesting need; we all need it coming towards us (as in others trusting us), and we also all need it issuing from us (as in our being able to trust others). And of course, we all know that trust is very easy to break, and often much harder to build. It’s largely made up of predictability: what we trust about someone is that we can predict how they’re going to behave in certain circumstances, for example, or what their general values are. In friendship, trust is absolutely central. The usual predictability here is that we trust our friends to care about our well-being, and to act accordingly.

In Nonviolent Communication, there is a distinction made between the “protective use of force”, and the “punitive use of force”. Punishment is violent, so we don’t want that. Protection, however, can be a viable strategy towards trying to meet our universal need for safety. Sometimes, setting a boundary and being firm about it is the protective use of force. It’s force by virtue of it not being an agreed-upon strategy; you are setting a boundary unilaterally. And whether he views it as punitive or not, or says you are hurting him or not, you can’t have any control over. After all, it is not a physical event, it is social.

So, depending on how safe or unsafe you feel with this person, you can choose where to set your boundary, and how. If he can discuss this with you in a safe, open, nonviolent way, then maybe there is a path forward for gradually rebuilding a trusting friendship. If there’s no sharing of responsibility or empathy for your experience, then maybe a boundary would serve you both best by being less flexible. Remember, there’s no “win-lose”, only “win-win” and “lose-lose” (see Aunty’s previous article — we’re talking souls here!) — he can’t truly “win” at your expense, but there’s real damage possible in the process. That’s where the protective use of force comes in. Be realistic, not guilt-tripped, and set yourself up for safety and safe connections.