Empathy for Arsholian Strategies
Dear Aunty Empathy,
I really, really want to become more compassionate and kind, but some people just really make it challenging. My ex, for example: he’ll take every opportunity to ruin a family gathering, get in my way legally or socially, or just be crass and crude around the kids. I’m constantly reminding myself that he’s just trying to meet his needs, just like all of us, yadda yadda, but I still get triggered. I’m able to separate him from his behaviors, so I don’t blame or hate on him, but the behaviors still are hard to live with. Because we have kids, I’ll be dealing with him forever. How can I get over being triggered?
~ Tired of Triggered
Dear Tired,
It sounds like you’ve been working hard on yourself, and that you are longing for growth, learning, and also peace and harmony. You also want your children to have their needs met: for connection with their father, for emotional safety, and quality environments. You may even still be mourning the loss of your vision of what marriage would be. There’s plenty of reasons here to feel triggered.
You get it that we all have the same needs, and that it’s in the behaviors, or strategies, where the trouble arises. This is a basic principle in Nonviolent Communication: “Needs don’t conflict, Strategies conflict”.
The needs he’s trying to meet with his strategies might include anything: needs for attention, for belonging, for connection, for safety. The strategies he’s choosing that trigger you, unfortunately, are causing harm to you and others, as you see it. When strategies cause harm, we can use the ever so useful term, “tragic”. Tragic strategies are those that hurt someone, possibly even the strategizer. Aunty loves the word “tragic”, because it holds compassion while still recognizing the harm.
Sometimes, though, even Aunty can’t quite get all the way to empathy for someone who is hurting her or someone else. When there’s too much active harming going on, there is a place for protective action (see AAE, Jan. 12, 2023). And, there’s also a place for venting our pain.
“Arsholian strategies” is a term Aunty has coined for venting purposes that she would love to offer you. It’s not quite as compassionate as “tragic strategies”, but it’s about halfway there. It has a little kick to it, a little angst, a little judgment, and a little humor. AND it still separates the person from his actions. Notice we are not calling anyone an a**. So we see it as a step in the compassionate direction, which is better than nothing.
Another baby step for difficult situations is pity. Feeling pity for someone whose behaviors are problematic for you is an improvement over blaming, shaming, or criticizing them. Pity them for not successfully meeting their needs, for example, when that’s true (it often is, if there’s problems). Think of it as training wheels for your empathy bike. Eventually, after the venting and baby steps and the passing of time, you’ll find the spaciousness to live more fully into your compassionate nature. Aunty promises.
Love,
Aunty Empathy
