Empathy Tanks
Dear Aunty Empathy,
I am a mother of two kids under 5 years old, and I have a demanding full-time job in health care, a husband who is working 60 hours a week, and an elderly mother who is sweet but starting to need my support sometimes. I’m doing my best, but I find myself losing my cool more and more often, and I don’t know what to do about it. I feel terrible that I’m not handling life effectively, and that I get “touched-out” by the kids and tell them to leave me alone. My family and my patients need me, but I am maxed out, and I don’t see any break in sight. Help!
~ Running on Empty
Dear Empty,
It sounds like you feel depleted, exhausted, and maybe even desperate, needing rest and support and relief. You’re criticizing yourself, and possibly others, when “losing your cool.” You also have a need for hope speaking up, in your concern about the future not looking any better. There’s so many people depending on you, and it feels like pressure.
You’ve named it exactly right, there in your signature: “running on empty” is what we say about our car’s gas tank, and that is a perfect metaphor for our ability to give. The other phrases you use, “touched-out” and “maxed out,” also point to the theme of “out.” The supply has run out. There’s a basic logic at work here: we can’t give what we don’t have.
All heart-centered giving starts with the giving of empathy, because it’s empathy that gives us the ability to care. Empathy is caring. So we need a supply of empathy before we can give it, or anything, to anyone. We need to get our empathy tanks filled, so that we are not trying to run on empty.
The wonderful thing is, we humans (and at least some animals, such as my dogs ;-) ) are naturally empathic. We, as a function of being alive and healthy, have an innate ability to care about ourselves and others. When we are not able to feel empathy, it’s an important sign that we are unhealthy, too ill or depleted. If we believe, as Aunty does, in this description of human nature, then there are many strategies available for replenishing our empathy tanks. And it’s just a fact of life that we need to do this replenishing, not something to be ashamed or critical of, or surprised by. Of course you run out, and of course you need to find more.
So how and where do we replenish? It starts with self-empathy, the practice and honor of taking care of yourself. Taking care of ourselves does not have to be viewed as a punishing life sentence; it can be seen instead as a liberating truth that frees up your other relationships: they are not “supposed to” take care of you. And, it can bring you the satisfaction of exercising your inner strength and creativity muscles. One thing to accept, though, is that it will require some of your time, that most precious of commodities. Carve out a little time for self-care, somewhere; it will bring you benefits that will ripple through your life in such important ways. Aunty promises.
There’s two big categories of strategies for self-empathy: first, things you can do for yourself, and second, things you can recruit help with from others. Other ways of thinking about these might be self-soothing, self-care, strengthening, or nourishing activities.
On your own, you can practice self-empathy by eating, resting, sleeping, breathing, and moving better, journaling, walking, relaxation techniques, naming your own feelings and needs to yourself *, or distracting yourself with pleasant mind-occupiers like a good movie or book. Recruiting help from others might look like arranging to get a massage, seeing a counselor, having some pleasant company, getting a hug, or venting to a friend. The central theme is that it’s about you, taking good care of you, bringing you back towards your best self.
All of these strategies for meeting your empathy needs consist first and foremost of your scraping up the strength to initiate them. Very few rescues come out of nowhere. It can be very hard, but Aunty hopes you give it a go, and wishes you all the luck.
Love,
Aunty Empathy
*For Compassionate Communication resources, see this link and this link
