Sex, Needs, and Empathy

Dear Aunty Empathy,
I am a married woman, and my husband won’t have sex with me. How do I get my needs met? I have a male friend who has offered to get together regularly with me. I’m having lots of fantasies about this hot dude and a satisfying physical relationship with no attachments. But, I don’t want to hurt hubby. Is this okay?
~ Longing for Lust

Dear Longing,
Aunty has a lot of questions. But first, it sounds like you’re feeling some frustration, and maybe some emotional pain, about your needs not being met by your husband for sexual expression, and maybe touch, acceptance, and consideration. Are you feeling angry? Resentful? Disappointed? Confused? Getting in touch with your feelings and needs is a necessary first step towards clarity and problem-solving. And how about the hottie? What needs is he trying to meet with this strategy? (Watch out for assumptions!)

The story behind your situation is probably complex and certainly very personal. With all the taboos and tensions our culture has around sexuality, there’s a good chance there’s been a lot left unsaid between the two of you, and possibly even unthought. Has hubby told you why he won’t have sex with you? If so, his reasons for his “no” can be translated into what needs he’s trying to meet with this strategy.

For example, one common reason could be that hubby has developed ED, erectile dysfunction, aka impotence. This can lead to feelings of shame or guilt, embarrassment, depression, frustration, and anger. Sexual expression is a need, but it’s often very strongly tied to other needs, too: wanting connection, self-confidence, integrity, acceptance, purpose, and contribution. So whether there’s ED going on or not, the needs behind his behavior are trying to be met by that behavior. It’s impossible to know what is true and alive for him, without him telling you.

Sexual intercourse is not generally recognized in Compassionate Communication as a need, but rather as a strategy for the need of sexual expression. Aunty knows this may not be widely agreed upon. However, since intercourse is the preferred strategy for many people, and because there are such massive social and emotional attachments to this simple physical activity, problems arise easily. The fate of entire nations, let alone marriages, have hinged on who is having sex with whom.

Aunty is a big fan of communication in relationships (surprise!). There’s a businesslike side to every relationship, where agreements are negotiated, made and broken, and where communication skills can really make a difference. These contracts are always present, whether the partners are aware of them or not, whether their actions match the words or not, and whether they are enjoyed or not. Another way to frame this is that every pair of people is engaged in a kind of dance: sometimes they’ve consciously decided together on what dance they’re doing and they’re doing it, sometimes they’re just feeling their way along and drifting in and out of awareness, and sometimes they’re running mostly on beliefs about “how it should be” and reactivity about how it actually is. Bringing a businesslike structure into partnerships can help bring more intentionality, aliveness, and awareness. It can also boost compassion, because it requires people to vulnerably say what they want to receive, and what they want to give; what’s the deal they really want to make together?

So Aunty says, if you have an agreement with hubby that you can have sex with another man, then one question is whether you trust that hubby knows himself well enough to be accurate. If you don’t have this agreement, maybe that’s something to create that will inform your situation. If you do have some agreement, do you have enough? Have you considered what limits either of you would want to put on the activities? How about on the emotions? Where is “love” in your equation?

Some couples who open their relationship successfully have very specific rules that they agree on, that may include all kinds of possible aspects being considered. These can include frequency, timing, overnighting, specific sexual acts, secrecy, mutual friends/social management, phone calls/texts/emails, birth and STI control, and what if the feelings become problematic? Having a conscious relationship is a lot of work, but the heartache and hassle of unconscious relationships is even more, says Aunty. The best of all worlds is to live in agreement with your loved (and lusted) ones, getting and giving support for everyone’s needs to be well met. Bon Voyage!

Love,
Aunty